What Life?

=3

2007-07-30T01:02:00.000-04:00

Blah, blah, blah, I can't think of something witty HAHAHA!!!

Love and Snow (1st draft)

The in between
The silence
The doors freeze shut
The tip of tongues
Blue lips, the snow
Birds grounded from flight
Standstill,
And the watch
Ticks, ticks, ticks
Slowly etching time
In the snow
In the wind
In the dance
In my mouth
On my lips

Filipino Thought Train

2007-07-25T18:24:00.000-04:00

Burat, Burat, Burat...

Bat ganon, kung kaylan mo gusto mag sulat, walang lalabas sa utak mo. Nakakainis! Pakiramdam mo ba and tanga mo. Bakit ba ang hirap maghukay sa loob ng iyong utak para sa isang munting patak ng inspirasyon. Para bang ginto na pilit mong hinahanap sa pinagmiminahan ng tanso. Wala ka rin naming makukuha sa pagupo lamang kung walang dadating sayo. Maririndi, maaasar, malulungkot ka lang. kulang nalang iuntog mo ulo mo sa pader hanging may lumabas, kahit dugo lang, basta merong lumabas. Nag kukulang ba ako sa aking karanasan para hindi makahawak ng isang pagiisip na may katuturan? Magagamit ko pa ba ang aking pinag aaralan para maitugtog ko ang lapis sa aking papel? Ano pa ba ang kaylangan kong alamin sa buhay? May pagkukulang ba ako? Sa aking pagiisip, sa aking katawan, sa aking kaluluwa? Di ko mahanap ang mga sasabihin, ngunit ang dami ko naman gusting ilabas. Ano o ano pa ang gagawin? Gusto kong sumigaw ng malakas. Kaso hindi baka igapos ako ng mga tao ditto. Ano ba tong ginagawa ko? Nag sasalita sa utak kong nagmimistulang marupok sa ligid ng mga taong nag mumukhang may pinatutunguan sa buhay. Kahit pa ang mga taong dumadaan lamang ay may ginigising tuwing umaga. At ako? Ano ginagawa ko? Eto salita lang ng salita sa ulo kong unti unting sumasakit. Nag sasangayon sa sarili kong kadumalan.

Test Post

2007-07-11T17:06:00.000-04:00

Can't see the entries. Testing. Can you see this?

When You Do Random Things...

2007-07-02T16:48:00.000-04:00

anything can become masturbatory...

it's true, dont ask me how, it just is. happy, happy, joy, joy!

Green Spring Trees

Noon on a Wednesday, sun up and high
I wait to cross the street, turn green, damn light
Beside me, a green spring tree,
From down the window to the street
Familiar darlings in happy dispositions
Under a green spring tree
From across the street, sitting on my blue box
The monkeys seem to do what they feel
On the green spring tree
Across the room sitting at the corner
A man trying to get a little oblivion
And outside, a green spring tree
And in the perfect building across the river
They have theirs wrapped in a box
Surrounded by green spring trees
Asleep on the bed of my dreams
The mirror, foggier it seems
No reflection of my green spring tree
Get me and myself from me
Then again my bones are deep in my skin
I want a green spring tree
And how does the beginning fall to the end
But sleep until tomorrow, the same again
Find my green spring tree

TADDA!!!

2007-06-29T21:46:00.000-04:00

the finish line seems closer...

im considering this my final draft for this one. i feel it is done. thanks to carolina for the input.

(formerly titled "Fear This" which was dumb. i justs didnt have anything...)

Capitulation

What veracity to those who would deny
the whimsies of fate as the tendrils spring forth
from the ground to consume not because of anger
but of love? To bring one not to their doom
but to an enlightened height no person has ever been,
to find ones self not in the grain of sand
but in the world, everything and in him.
But why deny this happiness into your heart?
Why open the box Pandora had kept shut?
Are we such that man cannot live perfectly?
Or is it just truth, that we have all lost sanity?
Deny, deny the perfection of the moment
For what? The better next? Is there a next?
Face to face with the convictions of our selves,
is this how the angels hide in the darkness?
How the illuminated blinds themselves,
spooning out the single eye from which they see!
Heaven cries from the clouds, for this,
for this place angels, blind, have built,
heaven cries the single tear for this.

For the Few

2007-06-29T16:20:00.000-04:00

The valley looks wider from atop the cliffs...

Flinch

Europe sheds all of my blood
And it enjoys that scarlet flood
My countrymen at distance, watch
As they pass at pace of the march
Be it narcolepsy, loyalty, my drink
All be it bring me to some brink
I let this rape pass, ill let it be
Because I know better than to flee
My love, in the other direction wont slide
Even the rage will one day subside
I know better than to abandon
Those I’ve grown to care for in the passing season

Edited with a Vengeance

2007-06-27T10:01:00.000-04:00

Because I'm pretty sure you can, please dont hurt me...

thanks to rica's glorious editorial skills YAY! anyways they're done they make better sense now LOL thanks rica and sorry i made your brain go squish...

these are probably the final drafts considering the past drafts done on paper and now that they've been made to mean something >.<

Layang Lipad Amihan

isang tingin, sila’y nag-alisan,
tulad ng dahon sa amihan.
lumilipad na parang uwak,
takas sa pinagsilungang tangkay
walang pagsisisi at walang awa
para sa naiwanan
sa munting braso
ng punong pinagtubuan,
dala lamang ay kalayaan.
nilisan nila ang hinagpis,
at ang inalaala lamang
ay ang mga napaglisanan.
kahit sandali lamang,
awit ng puso'y rinig ng langit
sa lakbay nitong kung saan
dalhin ng ihip ng hangin
kahit lupa pa man ang hantungan
ng dahong naglisan,
para lamang matikman—
kahit pa maging luntiang abo—
ang layang lipad amihan

aliw baliw giliw

kung saan ang ilaw ay napupundi, dumidilim. di naririnig ang sigaw sa gabi sa tulin ng marupok kong sigbi

aliw aliw, lipad sa ‘king tabi—kahit ang pagpagkurap ng sindi ng ilaw, ‘di mapipigil aking mga labi.

sa pagtalon ng paslit, walang sukatan, ang akyat-baba, nakayapak, di na makita ang pinagkaiba nitong mga liwaliw

di makapaniwala, ibinubulong ng katotohanan aliw aliw walang kabayaran ang galaw ng baliw

baliw baliw, tinatawag ng sindi sa ng nagkiskisang bato, ihip-buga sa hapdi ng pagdaan
talim talim lalim

walang kaluluwang aari sa dilim, walang nakikita sa dilim, di mahahanap ang ilaw sa dilim

bulag ang alipin, pipi ang aking hangin, bingi ang tagatanggap ng iyong paulit-ulit, paulit-ulit na galaw

yugyugin ang mundo nang maabot muli ang tuktok ng bundok, ako’y dalhin mo giliw

galaw galaw na walang hangganan, walang-katapusang aliw aliw, tingnan mo ang mga mata sa dilim

biglang may makikitang apoy, sunog sa loobang mainit, sa gitna ng kadilimang dumadagan sa dibdib.

sa katapusan,makikita ang aliw aliw sa kaibuturan ng kaluluwang nasagip sa dilim,

sa dilim, kadiliman ngayo’y tibagin sa liyab ng mata, sa pagtama ng mga tingin sa katapusan ng aliw giliw

EDIT: this post has been edited by your friendly neighborhood Kittie, most because the poems' font was too tiny.

Lots of love!

- Rica

SUPRISE!!!!

2007-06-26T18:26:00.000-04:00

who knew, two in one day HAHAHAHAHA

Ice cream dreams

The ice cream truck plays the limerick
And the promise of rendition
Snack follows the sweet medley
And then the sugar rush
But the streets will dim those lights
The children will go home
Streets empty as they should
Soon enough those eyes will close
Coma ensues after the rush
Yet another penny in the wishing well
And those ice cream dreams
Melt, digest, excrement

Soup, Soup, Soup

2007-06-26T18:00:00.000-04:00

rolling, on and on, the stone would go, if physics would permit

first i must apologize for the blog titles. soup has been stuck in my mind for the past few days (maybe months). i like soup... soup good.

heres a new flip poem. pretty straight forward. no real interpretation needed =p.

sa bibig ng buwaya

ba’t ang lawin, ang tuka’y sisilbihin
bibig ng buwaya, pangil ay sakim
diba’t iiwasan, dapat inggat ihayag
di kaylangan peligro para lamang
makakain muli at gutom supilin
ng isa pang araw, at sa bukas
di alam saan muling hahanapin
matalas ang patalim, panga’y sibik
nagaantay iyong ingat ipagliban
isang segundo, di mamamalayan
iyong buhay, iyong kaluluwa
ilulubog sa tiyan ng hangganan
para lamang ang sakit, maiahon
sa isang sandaling kapalit nama’y
di kaylan may, maipapatas halaga
kung iyong sarili ang salapi
gagamitin sa pagbili ng isang araw
na pang himas, pang himahog
ng sakit ng buhay, iyong tungkulin

No More Soup!!!

2007-06-17T01:58:00.000-04:00

And it rains...

LOL finally finished one that isnt in Filipino. I hope its good xD

Fear This

What veracity to those who would deny

the whimsies of fate as the tendrils spring forth

from the ground to consume not because of anger

but of love, to bring one not to their doom

but to an enlightened height no person has ever been,

to find ones self not in the grain of sand

but in the world, everything and in him.

But why deny this happiness into your heart?

Why open the box Pandora had kept shut?

Are we such that man cannot live perfectly?

Or is it just truth, that we have all lost sanity?

Deny, deny the perfection of the moment

For what? The better next? Is there a next?

Face to face with the convictions of our selves,

is this how the angels hide in the darkness?

How the illuminated blinds themselves,

spooning out the single eye from which they see!

Heaven cries from the clouds, for this,

for this place angels, blind, have built,

heaven cries the single tear for this.

Errrrr....

2007-06-09T20:44:00.000-04:00

my apologies...

As my dear friend Rica pointed out, i must apologies for my pathetic attempts at writing in Filipino without my trusty spelling checker...

With her consent I'd like her to come aboard and edit my stuff because I'm pretty sure there's no Filipino spelling checker programs for Microsoft Word, where I do most of my writing...

And here is where I think I start begging..... PREEEEEEESHHHHH

=P

More of that Soup

2007-06-07T18:04:00.000-04:00

I know I've been posting too much of the flip stuff, I'm sorry. I promise I'll get to work on the more international english programming that you all can understand.

layang lipad amihan

isang tingin, sila’y nag-alisan,
tulad ng dahon sa amihan.
lumilipad na parang uwak,
takas sa pinagsilungang tangkay
walang humpay at awa
para sa naiwanan
sa munting braso
ng punong pinagtubuan,
dala lamang ay kalayaan.
liban nila ang hinagpis
na lamang ang randam
ng mga napaglisanan
kahit sandali lamang,
awit ng puso'y rinig ng langit
sa lakbay nitong kung saan
dalhin ng ihip ng hangin
kahit lupa pa man ang hantungan
ng dahong naglisan,
para lamang matikman—
kahit pa maging luntiang abo—
ang layang lipad amihan

Slap Me I'm Deranged

2007-05-28T13:25:00.000-04:00

deliver me from the black winged bird...

thanks to "Counting Crows" for singing "Rain King", it picked me up and this came out...

I Deserve a Little More

where do i belong? never in between
find me the sun! i want to bask.
don’t let me sink in. invite me in.
i deserve a little more. never in between
i want the same as anyone.
and i think of heaven, flying.
in the field flaming. never in between
i've been drinking, like before.
i've been thinking. why am i alone?
i'am a king. never in between
anywhere but in between
that’s where i belong.

Get it?

2007-05-20T23:58:00.000-04:00

aliw baliw giliw

san iling ng ilaw pundi at dilimang di naririnig ang sigaw tuling sa gabi ng marupok kong sigbi

aliw aliw lipad sa tabi na walang humpay na palakpak sindi ng ilaw di maghuhumpay sa labi.

talon ng sanggol walang sukat ng akyat-baba sa paanan, di na makita ang pinagkaiba ng liwaliw

di kunwari totoong agip ng birhen ng buhay aliw aliw walang bayaran ang galaw ng baliw

baliw baliw tawag ng sindi sa pagitan ng bato ihip-buga hapdi ng pagdaan talim talim lalim

walang kaluluwang aari sa dilim walang nakikita sa dilim, di mahahanap ang ilaw sa dilim

bulag ang alipin bulol ang aking hangin bingi ang tagatanggap ng iyong kalimitang galaw

alugin ang mundo ng maramdamang muli sa taas ng bundok ako’y dalhin mo giliw

galaw galaw sa walang-hangganan, walang-katapusang aliw aliw tingnan mo ang mga mata sa dilim

biglang may makikitang apoy sunog sa loobang mainit sa gitna ng kadilimang madiin sa dibdib.

sa katapusan, kikita ang aliw aliw sa tinginang hanggang kaluluwa na sagip sa dilim

sa dilim dilim ngayo’y tibagin sa liyab ng mata sa titingin sa katapusan ng aliw giliw

Sadness With a Spoon for Company

2007-03-10T22:21:00.000-05:00

God... life's depressing... in general...

If there's something worse than having bad things happen to you, it's having nothing happen to you. Uneventful-ness kills...

I'm back in school by the way... It was fun for the first week... I don't know what to make of it now... I guess I'm just lazy... and bored... but I'm happy about it... or at least I'd like to think so... I'm not going to fail them dind't worry... I'll try my best... I don't want to waste my time...

But I really do feel like things are moving too slowly for me now. Like dragging along in a desolate area. Pretty to look at but empty... slumped... unloving...

Ooh well, I'm sure life turns around, right? In the mean time I have to finish my reading assignment, "Ragtime" by E.L. Doctorow. It's a great book, It's just sad I don't feel like enjoying it. I feel bad for the book...

My only solace right now, a bowl of soup. It's not much for conversation but it listens. I guess that's whats really important. The spoon just looks at me as I read about the great injustices in old New York. It doesn't speak either, because if it did I'd think im having a break down and going insane, but it does show me something though, me, a reflection. I look tired... sleep will do me good and that's what I'll do. Maybe things will work things out tomorrow. Then again I'm working at a crap coffee shop tomorrow. OH well.

"I AM SIREN HEAR ME ROAR!!! MAKE MY LATTE COFFEE SLAVE!!!"

Frustation ala King with Poetry on the side

2007-01-20T22:16:00.000-05:00

All be it, everything happen to me and all, i wonder if i'd give a damn....

Silence falls upon my blog... as sad as it may sound i actually keep tabs on who visits... yes... i do T_T

anyways, ill keep on doing this... just because i like doing it... ill take it all in and one day who knows... i might actually get some hits again... things have a way of working themselves out... just hoping the universe doesn't conspire against me or anything...

but anyways, ive been working on this for a while its going into the third draft. its untitled but i liked it the first time i wrote it. seemed decent and worth while. what do you all invisible knickers think.

if she wants darkness
then give her the darkness that she likes
but if anything give her a light
so that she may have on beacon in the endless night
if she finds her way back from the dark beyond
if she so chooses to return to song
when she does with open arms
welcome her back to the throng
tell her of things she has missed
tales and stories of thing amiss
and when she takes a liking to the taste
let her want, cherish things so rich
then, maybe then she may want the light
let her swallow the sea and the sky
and when the spades and hearts are drawn
she might finally have her call
take her place in the company of all
and in that communion
there she might find
something burning brighter
than a candle in the night
in there bliss awaits
the longing soul trapped within
at an end the long journey will be
for this woman swimming in deep seas
and she will see the light less sky
was just time after dusk
a distraction although sweet
blinding the path she should keep
when she steps towards the arrow pointing deep
she finds everything
in a world spinning and spinning
but in time that always seems to sleep

Little Things

2007-01-06T22:02:00.000-05:00

Look how the ripple in the water grows, I imagine a tidal wave when I see it...

Found this little diddy in my notebook somewhere. Short, simple, I kind like it.

How much of yourself do you sacrifice
to live the life you want
to get your hearts desire
for your friends and family
for your god and country
in work and environment
in love and relationships
your moral's and mind
your health and body
hopes and dreams
time, the time
opportunity
things
everything...

Hum Dumm Twiddling My Thumb

2007-01-06T21:50:00.000-05:00

Impatient, nuerotic, dumb, take your pick...

I've either lost my audience or im just too overly entusiastic about this crap, or both. I know thats sad, probably my fault too, I waited too long, and I don't want to shrug it off like my past hobbies. Reason being this isn't a hobby, this is something I want to do. Like so many thing, I might have let the music die before I actually voice out the song to go with it. I hope there's still someone looking at my crap though. I'll keep my fingers crossed, maybe a few toes too.

First Person Who Laughs Gets a Fist Full'o'Something!!!

2007-01-04T18:48:00.000-05:00

Something old for something new for something old...

Okay, I said I was thinking about posting poetry so here I go. This one I wrote a while back and I think its pretty good. I really dont care what u think though so whatever :) . It's in Filipino(tagalog) so I'm sorry for all of you international folks... if any. I promise to put some english ones up if I ever finish the drafts. Since there is no spell checker for my language that I'am aware of I must apologize for mishaps in the spelling department... never been a good speller. Mga kababayan enjoy... preetty please -.- ...

Kasalanang Hiling

Kasalanan pa bang humiling
diba't ibinigay mo na lahat sa akin

Ano pa ang hihingiin,
kakaylanganin, aakuin

Dapat bang makuntento ako
sa iyong hina-hain

Ang tanim na palay hayaang mabulok
aanuhin pa ba ang aanihin

Dapat bang di na ako humiling,
maghanap ng mas kaakit-akit sa akin

Wala na bang dapat hanapin
upang kompletuhin tong buhay bigay sa amin

Magnais, kagitingan, kasikatan,
kasayahan, kalayaan

Wala nang gantimpala
dapat pang akuin

Kasalanan pa bang humiling
nang ikay maintindihan namin

Dapat pa bang alalahanin, aming kaligtasan,
aming kaluluwang walang hangan

Iyong pangakong langit
dapat ko pa bang pilit abutin

Buong buhay ko ba'y naisulat na,
nakataga sa bato nang madiin

Nooooot Me

2006-10-20T17:30:00.000-04:00

Be amazed at the things the world has never seen!!! As Patrick tries to be himself again...

I've been reading my past posts and I thought... damn they're horrible... (Watch me crap my pants while laughing!!)

Recently I've been writing on notebooks (paper seems more coherent to poetry... yes poetry, shut your mouths.) and I've been seriously contemplating whether or not I should post them.

But back to the subject of my former posts, I never realized that my writing has changed so much in the past years that I find myself amazed. No longer trying to be quirky and funny are the things that emerge from the tips of my fingers, but replaced with anger and frustration (hence the lacking of post). Things must be changed!

Isn't it amazing that when you look back at yourself you find the old you is better in a lot of ways? You find yourself older and a lot more serious about things, thinking of the future more and finding your meaning of existence, bull crap... I guess swimming in the benevolent pool of crap that we call the world does that to you.

So I'm making a choice. I am sticking to who and what I am because I like me. Not in love with me but a serious like. Not avoiding change but maintain myself as I see me, a growth of personality rather than a self flagellation for a sudden rebirth into a new being. A betterment of what is me rather than evolving into something else. Than again this could all be anal excrements, I could just be convincing myself that this is better, but I'll try.

Mind Gibberish

2006-07-18T01:38:00.000-04:00

dum da dum dum and dum dada dum...

What flies? Into the wind, lashing forth like torents. Waking in the night. Lights flashing in my eyes. What creates? Like pigs wallowing in their own filth. Fakery, lies, the telephone ringing.The sky, starless and black, the city sparkling in the horizon. The river flowing, playing like children, the surf. Watching clueless, staring into the sun, enjoying the pain. Plastered...

Over One Hill and Then Another

2006-01-13T00:54:00.000-05:00

Crossing a river twice is a necessity, doing it more than that is just dumb...

I could hardly get the energy to walk home, listening to "losing my religion". It was like something pulling me down.

I got my promotion denied today. For reasons I can hardly accept. They said they denied it because I might not stay long and they don’t want to spend money training me. Sad thing is I’ve been holding a lot of things because I don’t want it to get in the way of my work. I don’t know about you but I can’t handle training and studying for college at the same time. That’s just too much for me.

I tried not to let it get me down, but things like that have a way of working into your system. It took a while but it did. I almost hit a coworker because she burned my hand with hot oil splattering from a batch of fries that just came off the fryer. I luckily stopped myself in time and just gave a hard tap on her hat. I know its wrong, but you can hardly blame me. I think it would have been easier to accept with a different reason, maybe if they thought I wasn’t ready or that I was a little green around the ears, then again don’t know.

I’ve been waiting for that promotion, been more than a year now. I passed up a lot of things because I’ve been always happy with my work with Wendy's. It works for the now. None of the other jobs I’ve had have been this fun to me. They've been more irritating, really.

Now, I don’t even know if I'm staying. Seems like it’s not worth my time. Seems like there’s a lot more opportunities worth pursuing. Problem is I won’t be sure about those things either. I hate not being sure. I hate being unsafe.

I’m tired, battered, scrapped, overworked, beaten. I guess it’s not meant to be. I just wish that it didn’t make me feel like a complete loser, that I couldn’t even get a stupid promotion at fucking Wendy's, that a coworker that has only been working for six damn months got promoted before me. I wish that I just go away from this. I wish I was back home, where my life was just so much easier where I didn’t have to worry about these things. I wish I could just disappear even for a second.

I called my boss and took the rest of the week off. Luckily I might be feeling up to working again in a few days, or maybe jump off a bridge I don’t know. Anything to make me feel better I guess.

Seemingly Plush

2005-10-29T02:30:00.000-04:00

Wee-wee and pee-pee can mean the same things and be different at the same time...

About time right...

XP

I write this with the confidence that either no one will read this or someone who doesn’t know who my cousin is will read this. If someone does read this and knows my cousin... I leave it to you to tell... I just think I should voice out my feelings in someway... even at the risk of actually hurting him. With that aside, I don’t want you to think that I'm being an asshole or a hypocrite, because I try not to be. I admit I'm full all flaws, but seeing others and talking about them is far, far easier than doing mine, I know what your thinking, I'm thinking it too. Asswipe...

These thoughts were triggered by a recent event. A party at my uncle and aunts place for us kids. There was alcohol; they drank heavily, like people who haven't drank in a long, long time. Things happened. People got drunk (well at least some, I’m not sure about everyone else, it may be just my cousin).

Of course you know drunken people act like themselves amplified. They gain more, well I don’t know if you can equal drunkenness with confidence, but it does appear that way. A lot of the people there were probably thinking why I wasn’t helping out getting him to calm down and shut up. I knew he wasn’t going to listen to me. He likes to think he’s strong, and in some ways a lot better than most people, like my brother actually. It’s more than pride. It’s something else. I think he'll be better off being my brother's brother. At least they would understand each other better.

It’s funny that were suppose to be of the same generation. Our birthday is only a few months apart and yet we couldn’t be anymore different. He’s an achiever, I like staying in the back ground, enjoying the occasional woot's. Then there’s religion.

I never heard anyone preach about god loving you when you were drunk. Its scary, weird and just plain wrong. I could hear a tremble in his voice too, like he was forcing himself to believe, believe that gods love wins over everything, that you don’t need anything else.

My other cousin mentioned his girlfriend, which he was just getting back at her, because she’s been having too much "fun". Like it as a bad thing... fun... is it? I’ve been having fun, does that mean I’m evil. It makes me think if he really loves her and if his "gods love you and I" speech was triggered by this conundrum in his head. I’m afraid to ask. He never listens, same way my brother never listens, same way they both like to think they have all the solutions in their heads somewhere and they just need to dig them out. Delusive self-sufficiency and emotional suicide is what it is.

But I guess I could never understand why when I refuse to discuss it with them. We just share a few laughs and a few thoughts, mainly his. I guess ill have to make do with what I’m given, observe, gather what I can, shake it in my head, talk to my other cousin about it. She probably understands him better, but I think we'd be better off if she was my sister. Ironic really.

I Need A Good Title for This... Really... I Need One...

2005-08-06T01:21:00.000-04:00

uhh... is slumpy whacky-ness a medical condition?

Last two weeks have been tough. New job, new places, new faces. I feel this is making me loose my head.

I've lost the will to write again. If you don’t hear from me for a long time again, don’t be surprised. If the real world has this effect on people, might as well leave it, I suppose.

I know I'm babbling. I can’t help it. I lost something on the "E" ("E"motionally "E"mpty "E"ntrapping "E"nviorment "E"xtricating "E"verything) train, my brain I think, or something close to it.

I might need medical attention though. If not for my mental status, then for my physical. I had pus come out of one of my fingers the other day. I know I should be alarmed (or at least slightly shocked) but it has happened before... so... should I be? I don’t know. I think I got this from the sweat accumulating in my glove during my non-air-conditioned working hours. I really don’t have the energy to care anyways.

I might go completely bonkers and start stabbing people on the street on my way to work... or maybe ill just finish the "Harry Potter" book I just bought. Would be a complete waste if I don’t.

Is this the "Thought Train thing you've been telling me Rica? Is it any good? Or am I too incoherent to make sense? Possibly all three? I’m pushing it aren’t I? Should I stop now? I think I should...

Legal Powers

2005-06-18T03:56:00.000-04:00

Hmm, makes me think...

A recent event at RO (Ragnarok Online) has made me think (Yes Rica, I know what I said, but I have nothing to talk about). It involves an accounts ownership being contested.

Who has the right to something (or someone, whatever suites the situation, if you will); the creator or the one who nourishes.

This is something that has been discussed since... well... forever...

With respect to the story of King Solomon and his wisdom, what if love is no longer an issue between the two parties. What gives someone rights to something?

The creator certainly has some right; it is from his/her bosom. He/she has, a cosmic link, a genetic twine, a blood link if you will. Claiming it certainly is within his/her, even if ill given, right.

The one who nourishes on the other hand has supplied to it, a chance to live, a way of survival, the food that feeds it.

Is it the creators fault for not nourishing his creation? Is it the one who nourishes fault that he/she has separated it from its kin? Should circumstances play a role in this decision? Does anything seem right in his?

Times have changed much in these times, adoption, parental custodies, rights claims, patents bla bla bla...

Seems like were complicating things all over again... even self defeating if you will... but is there really a choice? Should it be so complicated?

Between creation and nourishing, two actions with equal power, what would be logical to choose? Where do you even start?

I may be the most ill equipped person to answer these questions. Maybe we all are. Maybe it should be left to God. Should it be left to God? According to religion He created, He nourishes, but I hear no voice... I guess even Him doesn’t want to answer something so wrong to ask.

Shhh-ing Silence

2005-05-23T04:04:00.000-04:00

Sorry, sorry, sorry!!!

What more can I say... I have been sa complete putz...

Stick a schnitsel in my mouth and throw me to the dogs. I am sorry but (for those who do) you know me. You know how I am when omething new comes along. I go crazy, no, insane.

I now join the happy(insane-happy not happy-happy) world of mmorpg addicts.

My world has been consumed by Ragnarok Online. I spend most of the day online, playing or just hanging around, in this dainty digital world. I know, it's sad...

I can't help my self... uggg...

There is no excuse, no shred of dignity left in my worthless pathetic soul. I ask only that u not judge me until you have tasted the sweet evil that is online gaming. We all have our demons, it's just that mine is pixellated.

I made a promise to my self that I would do my best to keep this blog. It is my only way of connecting to those back home or to whoever else is reading this lack of blog-ness. I make this promise again, hoping that I stll have an audience to profess to. For God knows I wold have slammed the cyber door on my own face.

Would you find the heart to open your door again??? I'm kind hoping you would...

Buns On the Run

2004-10-26T11:16:00.000-04:00

Work, work, work...

It's been like that the whole two weeks. I know I've been blogging a lot about work and you people have heard enough, but please bear with.

I've been given five night shifts in week, yes, from four in the afternoon till midnight. My body will soon shut down from exhaustion. The manager, who also happens to be from the Philippines, is rushing me to learn all that I need to be promoted in the quickest way possible so that she can get promoted as well. It's a little selfish on her part, but really it's a win-win situation if I wasn't about to die from the defalcation of my internal organs due to stress.

"Hmmm...", some of you out there who really know me might be thinking, "that doesn't sound like Pao???" If then your correct. I've turned a new leaf!!! No longer shall I be deadfully ironic and sardonic of the world!!! The Wendy's way is in my blood now!!! I MUST GET IT OUT!!!

I'm telling you, smiling for more than five hours a day is not healthy to the melancholic mind...

I'm sorry but I must end, I have work. This might be the shortest thing I've ever written.

Quasi Me

2004-10-03T03:36:00.000-04:00

Say hi to the guy on the other side of the mirror for me...

It's been a few weeks now since I've started work at Wendy's. Now, I feel the need to rant about it.

It's one of those "happy" jobs where they require you to be nice and all perky. Much like Barbie or those faker flight stewards saying "bye-bye" as you get of the flying hunk-a-sheet (or another word with with similar sound) metal they call an airplane.

I promised myself I'd be extra nice on this endeavor into the adult working world, so, I've been having personality backlash as of late. It's hard to be in an environment where you can't curse everything in your path. I could call upon the first amendment right, but they'd probably exercise theirs and fire me. See the predicament?

Over the past few days I could no longer help myself. I find me smiling at a certain someone when I’m facing them but giving them a finger behind my back. To those who have worked in these kinds of conditions before, is this normal employee behavior?

At least I’m meeting new people in the immediate working area. Though, I don’t actually know their names, but I know their faces! That’s got to be worth something, right? Argh!!! Crap, who the heck am I kidding...?

One Bad Thing After Another

2004-09-30T19:21:00.000-04:00

Boom, the volcano blew and I couldn't care less...

Who would have known? The day after I saw Daria sucking on some guy's head that the next would be so damn nasty.

It would have been alright really. I guess I'm just feeling over whelmed. Maybe I'm just home sick. I don't really know.

I woke up at eleven. I had to even if I didn't really. I just had to feed my grandmother who can't leave her room because she has chicken pox. I did what was required of me. I heated the food on the stove, scooped the rice out of the cooker, put everything on the plate and gave it to her. I was still tired from work yesterday. Maybe that's why I felt like barfing when I smelt the food. It was ok, really, but for some reason I couldn’t stomach milkfish Spanish style. I decided to make my meal a late breakfast and took out some cereal.

I remembered that I also needed to do the laundry. "Haaaaa...” I sight to myself, bathed and change to labor on the wash on my own. Easy enough task really, if I wasn't so down already. I was finished in about 3 hours and I could almost cry. But the sight of a grown man crying for no reason would probably look a little disturbing to the local populace.

On my way back home I didn't feel sad any more, more of in the lines of angry really. The trolley refused to cooperate and I was dreadfully parched. I dragged the stuffed trolley up the stairs to the third floor and unloaded it.

I was welcomed by the little demon "angel" that is my cousin with an irritating and much undesired hug. I left the laundered articles of clothing on the floor of the living room and I proceeded into the kitchen to quench my impoverished throat when the telephone rang. I picked it up and continued on to the kitchen. It was my mother calling. She told me that I had to do the dinner tonight. I had to drench several slabs of meat with slimy barbeque sauce and bake them in the oven.

I guess it was stress but I just had to sit down on the floor and stare at the sky light. I wanted to start to tear but I didn't have the energy so I just sat there.

After sitting there for about 15 minutes of my hurried life, I started cooking the hearty slabs of beef. I had to hurry because my cousins would be leaving for their school for some meeting but in any case they left before I got finished and I would most probably be scorned later for my dawdling ways.

I left the pieces of meet inside the oven to cook and I went for a smoke in the bathroom. I sat down on the floor again because that where I felt I was supposed to be right now. I wanted to lie down but I wouldn't fit.

My father arrived as I was destroying my lungs inside a lavatory. I lay down on the sofa where I can almost fit my body. My father got some tea and sat down on a chair at the end of the sofa. I awaited the chunks of soon-to-be-masticated beef to cook.

After 15 minutes I checked and flipped the half cooked beef and placed them inside the oven again. I wanted to rest now so I asked my dad if he could watch the meat while it was cooking. He snorted that he was too tired and that his back hurt, classic dad excuse to things, so I did it.

When it was time to turn the oven off, I did. I took out a piece to eat and then remembered that I had forgotten to cook some rice. Luckily, there were some left from lunch and it was still ok. I took some and ate. The television provided me with a few much needed laughs, I felt a little better.

My dad than snorted again, I had to feed my grandmother. Couldn't he do it? His back was hurting so I had to. My heart fell to the floor again. I did as I was required and gave my grandmother the beef and cold rice.

Now that that was done, I went back to the lavatory to have a nice long pee. As I finished I wash my hands and looked up the mirror. I had a new pimple. I popped it.

To be Disturbed, Not to be Disturbed

2004-09-30T13:31:00.000-04:00

The Church isn't the only thing I consider holy...

I must warn you before you read on, this blog may contain things that you might not want to hear about or imagine. It concerns a certain episode of the famous teenage cartoon that most people like to call "Daria". Some of you might have already seen this episode or you might have not. If you haven't, think of this as a forecast of the horrible storm ahead instead of the irritating spoiler, and for those who have seen the episode I must apologize for making you relive these agonizing moments.

Yesterday, I got home from work at the usual time and was looking forward to my T.V. time. I anxiously waited for "Daria" to come on, unaware of the stuff that would haunt the rest of my night, rendering me sleepless, staring at the ceiling saying to myself, "Why... oh, why?"

It started innocently enough, Jane asked Daria to paint her hair with hair color to make it look like tiger strips or something. Daria of course tried not to be part of this ludicrous event, but Jane argued that ritualistic stuff like this between friends would serve to cement their friendship forever. Daria retorted that she'd have better luck with actual cement but agreed to so as was requested.

Daria went ahead with the procedure. As they were painting away on Jane's head, they had a discussion over Jane's recent girlhood affection, Tom. Jane has a feeling that Daria and Tom are getting close, a little too close for her comfort. Jane asks Daria if there was anything that she should know or if there was any action going on (a.k.a. betrayals). After a while they proceeded to remove the goofy shower cap of Jane's crown. Predictably, Jane's hair, rather than looking like the majestic shiny fur of a roaring tiger; it resembled the hair of a diseased orangutan. Jane got into a fit over her hair. She rasped at Daria that the action was intentional; the Daria wanted her and Tom to break up and have him for herself. Daria, of course, did not intend for Jane's hair to look like that of an infected primate and was sent away by her bursting friend.

Jane went away the next day to try and fix her hair. Daria went looking for her every where, her house, the school, the pizza place, oblivious to the fact that Jane' went looking for black hair dye that didn't have farm things in its name (i.e. hay blonde, rye brown, etc.). As Jane and Trent went to buy the dye, Jane, with the help of her brother, realizes that Daria was not to blame for her afflicted ape-hairdo.

Daria, as a last resort called upon Tom to find out what was happening with Jane. Tom tells Daria of Jane's situation and Daria goes to find Jane in her abode with her hair back to normal. Daria tries again to apologies for the hair mishap and feels awkward, Jane finally forgive her.

On her way home, Daria finds Tom's mangled shreds which he likes to call a car. Tom on the precept that he would like to talk to her and that the village people in Daria's house (i.e. Quinn and the fashion club) were painting their faces for war(i.e. their blush philosophy and theories date), invited her into his car. I could never imagine how stupid Daria was until now.

Daria accepted the offer thinking that Tom wanted to talk about him and Jane. And to my utter SHOCK Tom started kissing Daria... then Daria reciprocated. It was horrid...

Daria is one of those cartoon personas that you could never imagine them making out with someone stopping short of their wedding night. I wanted to scream but I had to muffle them as not to wake up everyone.

Then Daria told Jane and Jane got all, "Grrr!!!", Jane and Tom split, not because of what happened but that it was really coming anyway (i.e. they got bored of each other, tsk, tsk how textbook), Jane forgives Daria and they're still friends but they can't stand the sight of each other for now... oh, bla,bla,bla!!! Their needs!!! I need a psychiatrist!!!

Obtuse Psyche

2004-09-09T20:36:00.000-04:00

physical work + mental starvation + non-eventful life = the circular end of a shotgun

WARNING: This blog may contain stupid rantings and silly notions that may or may not make sense. So... whatever...

I have recently lost the will to write blogs and other written(or typed) materials. I feel as though my spirit has left me, like having both hands but you can't feel the right one, like eating noodle soup when you want them fried, like stabbing yourself repetitively with the obvious results.

As most people who may have noticed, I have left my blog to be festered upon by molds and different varieties of fungi. Not because I hate it, just that I've got emotional constipation and intelectual impotence. Much like the phisical burdens old people suffer from.

It's not just my brain that is at fault. So little has happened in this pathetic continuance, this fradulent form of life, to help jumpstart my grey matter. The lack of material for thought is just so... deafening to my brain.

The only thing worth actually mentioning is that i found work at Wendy's, which is like a "good news, bad news situation". Good news... I like Wendy's... bad news... I work for Wendy's.

I start work tommorow. I want to hang myself. I need several alcoholic drinks and several rims of cigarettes. Actually, just hand me the shotgun.

Satan, Here I Come!!!

2004-08-23T08:29:00.000-04:00

So, here's the 4-1-1.

My friend had this test in her blog and I decided to take the damn thing. To my complete horror, I was assigned to be in the seventh circle (level) of hell!!! Hmmm... I think you'd agree that i should be lower down, dont you think???

the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's" Inferno Hell Test

If you wish to be tested on how evil you truly are take the damn test thing. Although I'm almost sure you'd be lieng for your salvation. Hehehehehehwe...

Hard Knock Life

2004-08-22T20:30:00.000-04:00

Tears are not just salty water, it's emotion in raw form...

I found myself crying for the first time in the U tonight. I'm surprised it took this long for the emotions to set in, or the reality of it.

It's just one big quasi-reality, this whole trip to the U bit. I wish I could just go home, I wish I could raise the white flag and surrender without consequences, buy the plane ticket home and take the next plane out of here... but it's not.

My great grandmother's dream, my grandmother's dream, my mother's desire, is that we (the entire FAMILY, by family meaning the Filipino definition), all live in the U Who am I to dredge their hopes and dreams in so much muck. It is true, and let it resound over all mountains, that I have no desire to live among the denizens of the land of the free, I desire to be with my blood brothers... but I still feel the need to respect their want's and need's...

I guess I just have to wait it out here... continue my water letting from my eyes, rise again in the morning in this as of yet tedious and repetitive life style till my will brakes or I die... which ever comes first...

Surreal Employment

2004-08-21T20:20:00.000-04:00

The Quantum Family Singularity Strikes Again!!!! (to be explained in a later post)

I just need to vent dear readers. Please take kind consideration for any expressions or words that might offend yours.

Yesterday, I had two job interviews lined up. One was in a day care center(yes, I know what your thinking those-who-know-me, me and kids, not exactly the kind of mix one would take a drink out of) and the other one was in a marketing company.

I was with my mum and dad for the interview for the day care because they were applying for jobs there as well. My cousin was there too because we weren't familiar enough with the area to go gallivanting around New York by ourselves. We got there around seven-thirty in the morning. We met with the receptionist that told us about the job. She was talkative and very noisy. She was also, it's odd from a person who works for a learning institution, idiotic. She kept repeating things she already said to people, kept insisting on unnecessary things that we should see.

Time was running and my other interview was on another island in the other side of town. I had to get my ass from lower Manhattan, China town to Flushings. It was already nine-thirty and my appointment was at eleven. I couldn't wait to meet the owner of the school. It was just a good thing that the I wasn't required to meet the owner and that she only needed to see my mom. I took a van with my cousin (a.k.a. guide)that was headed to Flushings and, to my surprise, New York traffic had been kind to me.

We had about an hour to blow away. Luckily there was a near by park where we could sit. We bought a couple of slurpies in a seven-eleven and sat there. As we sat in a couple of swings, I couldn't help noticing that it was directly in front of a cemetery. A playground and a cemetery infront of it, there had to be some fung suei(did I spell that right) rules that were broken.

My darn cousin, who's in adolescent horny-ness stage of his life, couldn't take his eyes away from the female resident's of the area. Dropping his jaws at the mere sight of an almost-beautiful-but strangely-not-enough-to-impress-me girl.

I would like to take this time to apologies to those who might be living there for the recent actions and words that my cousin might have used during that time. I promise to never again bring him near Flushings.

After his wandering eyes had been snapped back into position, we were chased away from our cold frosty drinks by wasps in the park. I spent a dollar fifty on that thing!!! You owe me wasp!!!

After that the interview went well. The manager was nice although during the interview he winked at me. Hmmm... Now there's something you don't see everyday.

I ofcourse got accepted, but in it was a little bump before I was in employment bliss. I needed one hundred and sixty-five dollars for the sales kit , which would normally cost four hundred and thirty-five dollars. Now there's a predicament.

I ofcourse wanted the position offered, but where to find the money? I asked my mother about it just about an hour ago as I'm writing this horse-bla. I got a solid, yet calmly, and long winded no. Included in it was a big discussion on what I really wanted in life which was a big "What were we talking about again?" situation for me. I wish I were just so Go damn rich you know or at least everything in the word was free, which ever you think is suitable oh one-who's-high-above.

My mother has gracefully requested me to give up my position there, which I'm, sadly, obliged to follow. She said she had some work lined up for me anyway. Ayahhhhh... another restaurant... I want to die...

Geriatric Fart

2004-08-17T19:17:00.000-04:00

Can't all grandmothers be sweet, loving and gives out money on command???

I believe that you don't have to like your relatives, you just have to respect them; I'm having a very hard time following that credo...

My Grandmother has been eyeing, nagging and irritating the heckle out of me. She keeps on pushing my buttons just praying that I blow my top. I give in every once and then but my own mother, who her self wants to shout out several colorful phrases at her (although she'd never acknowledge that), keeps holding me back saying, "Just stay out of her way, she's old." Now what is she implying? Several things come to mind

A. I can't take her on...

Imagine, me, an eighteen year old, and an old woman, just waiting to bite the dust, in a steal cage match, which would you think would win? I rest my case, people.

B. She just might croak tonight so just hang in there!!!

Could my mother be implying, "Just act good around her for a while, I'm sure it's not going to be that long. And if were extra good, she might leave us a small yet large enough fortune so we can be happy for the rest of our lives!"

This, of course, implies that my mother is greedy and very self-serving, which are things that I'm not obliged to comment on since she is my mother.

C. She's a senile old crone. Respect her dodo head...

Acting ignorant while she's the one with stupid signs pointing at her head...

I cant do that if she's giving me reasons to hate her guts!!! Really, believe me, I try my best not to upset her but she finds the time to mess me up that I have to scream into a pillow to relieve the need to take a shotgun and blast her away to that old people home in the sky.

I know which one my mother really meant, but I considered it last. It should speak volumes already. I guess we all know who's not going to be in the will, don't we...

And the Plane Ticket Costs Four Hundred Dollars

2004-08-12T16:55:00.000-04:00

Things are never the way they should be even if their for the better, trust me... As the movies as my witness...

Alright... I'm here... Now why can't I figure out what everyone's been so exited about?

People around me back in the Philippines have been like, "Oh, your so lucky. (in sweet mushy sound voices that make you barf)", and, "wow you know that's a great opportunity! (with an unwanted and, not to mention, painful pat (or punch, whichever you think is appropriate...) on the back.

Bunch of stereotype dodo...

I cant see what's so great about being in a country where your skin dries up, you get more allergies than you have back home, you have to walk to where ever your headed to, where the trains in the subway are in the same condition as the LRT trains, where people throw trash everywhere like in Manila and, most especially, where a stupid man is the president of the country (GO, the other guy!!!).

I'm not saying that this place is a total wash out, I just don't see why everyone back home wants to be here... I could state a bunch of reasons and they'd still jump at the opportunity to come here.

There are some good points to this migration, I think I should state them just to be fair. I did get to see Time Square, which was ok. Saint Patrick's Catherdral smelled funny because of the things they burn in there but I like all the marble statue's. Rockefeller (did I spell it right???) Center looks better at night with all the pretty lights and I just cant wait for winter and the blistering cold, when I could die and my ears might fall of.

The Un-Method

2004-08-09T15:02:00.000-04:00

People have ways of doing thing, disrupt their flow and they go crazy

It has been three days since my arrival in the US, and it has been exactly 3 days that I have not had my generous dose of nicotine.

Things here are more or less uninteresting of late. It might be due to the fact that I have not seen much of the outside since I've got nothing to do outside.

Life's good here in general, as much as a jobless, own-home-less family unit in the US can get. It would be a lot better if I had a few cigs every now and then.

I have had a hard time finding insperation in this ubber lack of nicotine in my blood stream so you must excuse my lack of post-age. I might go out and buy some when I get a job but right now funds are limited and I need all the money I can get. 'Till then I would have to agonize in nicotine withdrawal. Please say a prayer for me every now and then... or at least half of one.

My Rear Side is Besieged

2004-08-01T23:28:00.000-04:00

When one releases the free floating internet virus, I sure hope it bite them back in their proverbial internet avatar butts

I must again apologize for my lack of post-age. This time it wasn't my fault, honest.

My computer has been the recent victim of a floating Trojan virus out there in the World Wide Web. It must have hitched a ride in my habitual downloading. It really bites that people do that. Luckily, my hard drive wasn't damaged beyond repair, although I couldn’t open a single damn application without it crashing. It must have hit only my windows systems before the AVG shield kicked in.

In the back of my mind, I enjoy the occasional destruction and mayhem. God knows, I must have planned several terrorist plans in my mind (none of which I plan to execute, it's just a fun past time, however weird and morbid it may sound), but when the victim becomes me... now that’s a whole different equation. I just can’t feel that victimized feeling and the feeling that some idiot is laughing their heart (or heart's, I can’t deny the fact that two or more people might have been involved in this grade school prank) at my expense.

I wish I could get back at them. But such things are more or less untraceable especially with my meager resources. What can a lowly computer dumdum like me do you might ask? Gather the tattered shred that is my computer and try to rebuild and brace myself for the next cyber siege, more or less. Right now I just feel the need to kick something. Hmm... I wonder what the cat is doing???

Down the Proverbial Time Slip

2004-07-23T15:00:00.000-04:00

"Taking time" is not having time but still having gall to mess with it

I would like to apologize for my recent lack of post-age. I have been quite busy with other so, so important things.

If anyone would like to know, I am preparing for my moving to the U.S. I've got; still, a lot of things to prepare and with only two weeks before I leave you could just imagine the utter panic of parental units upon learning that I haven't begun packing yet.

I've been trying to find the time to actually write something down. When I actually find the time to do so, my mind reverts to that of a cave man's, containing nothing but the bare essentials (food, sleep, and procreation. hey I’ am a guy after all!), to be perfectly frank I drew blanks. Not to mention the fact that when I do get inspiration sent by whatever's out there, by the time I sit my fat filled buns on the computer chair, I start looking at my reflection on the computer screen and start saying to myself, "What was I going to write about?!"

I've been reuniting with old friends to and it's cutting in deep, time-wise and not to mention financially. It those thing you cant get out of since it's been so long and you just want them to see just how much you've improved (or visa versa) just so you could rub it all over their face just incase they look like yesterdays digested lunch.

Although the reprisal, is that of which I could barely afford as it is butting in to my life and hobbies, is worth seeing those people before I leave on my semi-permanent stay in the U.S. The fact that I could say goodbye means a whole lot to me. I just wish I didn’t have to leave in two weeks time. I wish I could control time or something just to give me more time. I wish I didn’t hurry this up because I still have to pack winter clothes.

What Again?... What?!?

2004-07-09T15:57:00.000-04:00

Water under the bridge is forgotten until somebody jumps in it with concrete shoes

My friend has put to my attention that my spelling bites, very much. I would like to apologize to anyone who might have read anything that has been misspelled. If anyone had the patience to actually read anything I write that is.

I don’t know why but I usually confuse "a" with "e" and sometime "i" with "e". I don’t have any mental disorders it just happens since I spell as I pronounce. That's how my parents thought me how to do it, not that I’m blaming them.

I don’t even know why people have to make such a big fuss about it, anyway. People understand what I' saying, or so I figure. It's not such a big crime is it?

I got to thinking about mistakes, much like my recent encounter with a shaver gone amok. I didn’t notice it and I’ve been walking around with the crookedness on my face. If little things like this bother the heck out of me, how about bigger issues, you might ask.

I usually forget much of anything incredibly stupid I might have done over my half lived life. There’s not much to go on really. I didn’t like making mistakes but you really can’t help making them do you. Like everyone else, I'm just a lowly, scum of the earth human.

I try my best to forget about them but every once and a while you get nostalgia, I hate that. When that happens, I take one of my closed fists and knock myself on the head, hard. I hate that I do stupid things. I couldn’t take the utter dim-wittedness of the matter.

Someone once told me that people who do that have got identity issues. Does that carry truth?

I feel that everyone’s entitled to their own way of redemption. Some use money, some talk, some give favors, but isn’t all of it just to make us feel better about what we did wrong, some weird form of closure. I think that gives me the right to hit myself whenever I feel the urge to, doesn't it?

I could just stop typing and deal with the entire typo issue by editing my stuff but the truth is I’d rather not. So, hence this recent post. I have found closure...

This Little Piggy Went Swheee All the Way Home

2004-07-06T13:52:00.000-04:00

If power corrupts, those guys must be devils.

I had to wait a while before I wrote this down. I wouldn’t want to be a raving angry monkey while I wrote this. Might scare off my almost non-existent readers.

I went to a mall near my old colldge; I met a few friends there. Started well enough, had a few drinks, talked a while, then went to G-box (a karaoke bar) and sang a few songs.

We had a blast singing stuff there, although, most of them were studying because it was prelim week but they still recognized the moments they should laugh. That’s what I like about them.

They had to leave early, they were going to be late for their examinations, so I finished up all the songs they didn't get to sing. Don’t get me wrong I enjoyed all of it. For once I didn’t feel the need to be embarrassed about my voice because there were people in the room. I actually got decent scores, better than what they got really... hehehehehwe.

After finishing the songs I hung out at San Francisco coffee, read a book I had wanted to finish. I killed time there because they were going to get dismissed at around five or six thirty in the evening. Although I got bored at around three in the afternoon, so I decided to go to back to the old college and see if anyone I knew was dismissed early.

I found a few, started talking, hanging around. I saw a few policemen in front of the gates. I didn’t know why but I took it as a good sign though. I always thought those guys were a bunch of free loading lug heads. I noticed that my friends were going out of the campus gates at around past five. It was turning to be a very good day but life's got a way of biting down on you hard right in the buttocks when you least expect it.

The policemen started approaching several students for no apparent reason, didn’t really disturb me or anything. I didn’t have anything to hide. I stood up said goodbye to people I was talking to and approached my friends we were under the shed that was right in front of our collage when a policeman approached. He, in an arrogant tone of voice, asked me if I was a student of the college. I’m not one for lying to the police so I answered "I used to be."

Then the throbbing mass of thickness yelled at me to go home or he would arrest me for stuff. I couldn't repeat his allegation because I don’t know the translation to English but my brother-in-law said it had to do with searching suspicious individuals and curfews.

My first thought was "W.T.F?" (Please excuse this there's no other term for it.) I knew my rights and I know they can't just do that. I wanted to defend myself but my friends just urged me to go home rather than fight a good fight. Although they just said "Okay Patrick, see you some other time." I could see that they thought it wasn't worth having a criminal record over. I was appalled!

That’s the reason these kind of people push us around. The police exist to protect the people not boss us around like they own everything. I wish I had a gun.

I just left. I didn’t want to be there. Two sides of the coin becoming one wasn't a really pretty sight. Like seeing heaven and hell merge into one big booze party. I could gag.

I went home and told my mom who hardly seemed to care. Even blamed the way that I dress for what happened. I could name 3 people who were dressed exactly like me. It just made me more upset.

I had a cup of tea and stayed up later than usual. Then just watched a movie about anarchy on HBO. It had instructions on making homemade bombs. Hmmm... now there's an idea.

Squirts...

2004-07-03T12:57:00.000-04:00

When presenting make sure you’re presentable.

My over religious mother has once again succeeded in dragging me into another reflection but this time she dragged almost everyone in the family.

I don’t understand why my mum has to be such a catholic buff. I from what I discerned; if God wanted her to throw herself over a cliff lined with jagged rocks shed do it.

Anyway, it wasn’t as bad as I would have liked it. Not that I got to know them any better, maybe a little but not enough to write biographies or something. It was the first time we laughed together though. I haven’t seen that in a long time. It was nice. I almost gagged.

The guy doing the lecturing was supposed to be a priest and a professor at the Ateneo University. It explains why I was completely bored. I’m allergic to professors.

He made some sense from what he said. Of course, most of what he said went right thru my head. Hey I'm still a teenager; you can’t blame me for short attention span.

He had a lot of illusions about strengthening the family equates a stronger country. Bunch of bull if you ask me. It’s like saying patriotism will keep governments running, like trying to tighten screws with a monkey and a wrench.

He asked us to sight things that made our lives be lived in darkness, I felt the sudden urge to express myself but my parental units would have probably bleed profusely from trying to contain their rage.

He wanted us to do a stage play kind of thing to show the others how we could get around those things. I wanted to run away. I ended up with a not so "look at me" role. Being in the background ensures no bad reviews but don’t expect any raves.

We represented how things are supposed to be in the house, like everyone’s to busy, etc. and my mother would come in ask that we all pray but we had to do stuff. She then faints, then my dad says lets pray over her then we prayed. Personally, I would have taken her to the hospital.

The lector went back up and said some stuff again, this time I wasn't listening. I wanted to fall asleep right there on my mono block chair. My eyeballs started to drift down towards the floor. Then I noticed something, the priest's fly was open.

Losing My Religion... Again.

2004-06-30T11:44:00.000-04:00

If you can’t run and you can’t hide and you've got nothing to fight it with, just sit there and stare at it.

I was born a Catholic. Yes a righteous, shut-your-mouth, Catholic. The whole family is. You don’t expect my parents to reject the tradition do you?

Growing up I was thought it was for the best, there was nothing more. How long do you suppose that would last? Adventure and excitement was in my blood. Not to mention the mass of reading material we have in our house.

Most Catholics know, and less of them would affirm the truth... were boring. Most religions, especially the new age ones, are far more interesting. Take paganism for example, it's exotic; it has the words blood and sacrifice chiseled into its very existences. Wildness infused to its soul. Now how could you just beat that?

A friend said it would be better if we just didn’t have religion. I told him it's like not having laws or government. Everyone would be raving lunatics eating their own young.

Religion is just one of those factors in life that serves to complicate matters instead of simplifying them. It’s just a confusing slur, one great big slushie of thoughts and old philosophies that make you want to hurl, one that you can’t live without unfortunately. Everyone got to believe in something, even if that something walks on two legs or floats around.

It’s all confusing really. I don’t do well when I’m confused. I usually go around drinking till my liver bursts or some blinding light shines on my face bringing messages from God... or maybe it's just a truck hurtling towards me.

I would much rather be agnostic really. Unfortunately I can’t do that while my parents are around. I'd never hear the end of it, or it'll probably be the end of me. Events may happen, possibly in that order. I’ll just probably wait this battle out plus my brain is starting to hurt. Jenny, walk me to the medicine cabinet, quickly.

Avoiding Inevitability

2004-06-29T14:09:00.000-04:00

Be as a steamroller to reach your goals but never forget that you have brakes attached.

I try avoiding it, I really do. I never liked stepping in other people’s toes. If someone did that to me they'd never hear the end of it. I guess I’d just like to avoid meeting my match.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no doormat. I dare you to even try to make me one. One of my friends told me that I either end up very successful or out in the streets because of it.

There are things that I’m so afraid to say (or write) just because they might squish someone to non-existence or that they might do the same to me. God knows, I want to die young but not that young.

Chinks in your armor happens and you can’t help ACCIDENTALY stepping into where your not suppose to tread. When it happens your just caught red handed on the green. Personally I take the tactical retreat approach whenever it's my fault, when it's something you just can’t get out of using conventional techniques. It suits my needs really.

But I can’t help feel that "steamrolling" someone would be quite fun especially those your sure you can get away with. Let me explain before you bite my head off, dear reader.

I know it's justification of the lesser evil versus the greater but isn’t everything? Think about it, if they deserve a right good bottom slapping, shouldn’t they get it? I mean the deserving should get their dues. But then everyone would get a butt slap wouldn’t they...

Making Sense of My Family

2004-06-27T12:10:00.000-04:00

If you walk into a room filled with family members and there is complete silence, you know something’s wrong.

I just know it. Something’s up. I don’t know what but something’s up.

It's everything that’s happening here. People are acting weird, out of context. Mom's all kind and mushy, dad's... well I guess my dad's always weird. My siblings have been... trying to spend quality time with me. Apart from that, they seem to shut themselves up whenever I happen to walk into the room. Its times like these that I wish I was a telepath or something.

Maybe I’m just being paranoid; people know it won’t be the first time. Maybe it's just tortillios I've been having too much off. They say MSG can make you crazy.

I've been observing myself too. I’ve been wondering how my brothers been doing too much lately. Before, I would have been surprised to even think about him and it's usually out of need and desperation. If you had the kind of relationship that I have with my brother you'd be surprised yourself. But all of this could be that my brothers staying at his dormitory far too often... me, miss him... eywww.

There was also this morning, I had my eyes shut, and I hear voices in the background. Your groggy, you still don’t think strait, you think it's a dream, then it bites your butt, your not. I woke up with 3 people in my room. They were dumping an old cabinet in my room. Having company without your knowledge is tolerable, having people watch you while you sleep is creepy, but dumping old furniture in my already cramped up bedroom? I felt the need to scream. Unfortunately the first actual word to come out of my mouth was the word 'huh'. It prompted laughs. By the time I want to react to what they were doing, it wouldn’t have the impact it should. Plus I needed more sleep.

More on that, my parental units put bags that I would be using a month from now for our trip. They were bulky, extremely, they were on my bed, occupying more than half it's size, I asked my self, "Where am I going to sleep?”

After the usual Sunday mass, I went to my mom’s room to fix my pants after I had eaten dinner. She’s the only person in this house who has a sewing kit. I love those pair that I was repairing, I deconstructed them myself. Unfortunately, deconstruction usually makes it very sensitive to accident. I repaired them as much as I can. I only know a few stitches and techniques, hopefully they were enough though.

I finished up, trimmed excess threads, admiring my work, although I admit, imperfect, but the fact remains, I made that ugly thing. I made my way downstairs to change my clothes. I had to pass the dinning table to get upstairs to my room. My siblings were there together with their husbands eating dinner. As soon as I enter I noticed at a glance, they were looking down, silent. Like they were hiding something. I immediately proceeded to my room to avoid the discomfort of the situation.

In my room I felt confused, really, what could trigger that kind of action? I didn’t do anything, or at least that’s what I thought...

I changed clothes than lay down for a while. What could they be possibly thinking at that instant? I closed my eyes and fell asleep surrounded by a bag, a box and an old closet.

There's Life Down that Road

2004-06-23T13:06:00.000-04:00

Poke your head out of the barrel once in a while, it’s healthy.

I've been recently wondering what people are up to. With all of my friends at college and family out on business and no contact with people outside your door does that to a guy.

My college friends are probably in the class room, slowly ripping apart teacher's in their mind (with their minds if they could). Probably out during breaks, playing billiards or maybe darts, in the mall maybe watching a movie, eating somewhere or maybe just chilling out. Of course I wouldn’t know. I'm not psychic.

Looking out my mother’s bedroom window, a lot of people were walking by, some of them were... well... fighting actually, but that's normal in my neighborhood, they looked so busy. They don’t even notice someone watching them. I guess life does that and "no life" does this to me.

Some of them were actually pretty interesting, apart from the fighting that’s been going on for like forever, there were certain people I noticed. Like the man selling "binatog". Do you remember that? I didn’t even know they were still making "binatog". He was riding a bike and ringing his bell shouting "Binatog!", I sort of miss that from our street. We use too eat that lots of times before. I guess they just rarely pass our house these days. I wanted to go and buy some, but all my money was in my room and I had to run and I would have probably missed him anyway so I just let him pass. Maybe next time.

There was also this guy next door. I don’t know if he noticed but his ugly butt is showing. And it was not a pretty sight I’m telling you. If you were a woman you would have probably fainted. He was a really old fart; he was slouched and wrinkly. He had his shirt off showing his now-unrecognizable-tattoo. Talk about indecency on our streets. How do you expect kids to respect you if you’re not aesthetically pleasing?

And this old lady across the street in her store. You can’t help notice her since she is across the street from where I live. She just sits there for hours sitting watching TV and waiting for a customer that might never come. There was quite a number of stores and it wasn’t a good investment because where I live completion is tough. Her shop was one of the most run down.

I got up from my loft and stretched. I felt kind of sleepy and went to my room. When I got there, I saw my fat (:P) wallet sitting on my desk. I felt hungry. I took out a twenty and bought something from the lady across the street.

Calling Upon Whatever

2004-06-22T12:49:00.001-04:00

Anyone who says it's a sure thing deserves a right good gun shot between the eyes.

I recently tried to contact several people from my high school batch. I made about fifteen calls altogether today. Most of them were old telephone numbers listed on our year book so most of them didn’t really work. Hearing, 'The telephone you dialed is not yet in service.’ being repeated by that voice recording can get on your nerves after a few numbers.

I did make contact with one friend though, yes only one. The other thirteen numbers were no longer in use and one was busy so I decided to call later but when I did no one was answering. They must have slept early or something, I imagined that from my friend’s family, they seem so uptight, really.

The one friend I made contact with was, at least at my point of view, surprised to hear from me. Seemed so surprise that I think she thought I was dead. I guess cutting yourself of from them does that.

We talked about old school stuff, she also wanted to contact other people from high school, her past crushes, and for some reason some of her recent emotional attachments that had the same name as my brothers. I have that seemingly supernatural skill of drawing people out info from people. I really didn’t mean to anyhow. Maybe people are just comfortable with me because I'm almost next to a non-person, they could make sure nothing about them they tell me would get out. Kind of like your mum... or a priest.

She still had ties with several people from the past thought. They still found the time to hang out in the midst of mind wrenching college stresses. I raise a finger to salute them, and I normally wouldn’t care, hey, it's a start.

I told her to call me if they ever had plans for something. I don’t really expect her to do so but you can’t blame me for trying. I mean, I have to make the first step, some effort to be exerted. I just hope she does call.

Who Died and Made Me Human

2004-06-21T12:01:00.000-04:00

Given a choice would you choose differently? That is if you ever had a choice...

Why??? It’s a never failing question to everything that makes your world stop spinning, for maybe a second. I always wondered why I had to be human. I would have liked to be something else, but being something else seems still as insignificant as this shell, this given form.

Why even ask why??? According to Spinoza, we are but appendages to nature, to God, that everything moves according to what rules govern our nature, that we were free, but had no free will. then why do I, he, us, have to figure out what we are, our purpose, our very existence in this polluted, forsaken rock we call Earth, If that's what it's even suppose to be called. Figuring out this form shouldn’t even matter in the whole larger scale of things. We can’t even solve lives simplest questions.

Why do I even exist and in that case do I even??? At times this all seems like some grand dream, some written fantasy drawn from some sick notion of the brain. How I wish it could be. Would certainly make things easier, at least for me, that is. To be, well, such that one was only made of ideas, thought, that would probably the ideal form to take but would that be a form at all?

Why now??? Does this mean that it's time to face it or just some random act of forces beyond ones control? Do I even have to face it? Time, what is it? This continuity? All lives existing at once and all that theoretical fuzziness? Temporal mechanics and paradoxes, they don’t make much sense. But if this form must ever pass, will I be taking another or did I never really die? Do millions of me, branching out in every universe that comes sticking itself to my existence continue on?

Why, oh, why??? A train passes on the rails at the intersection of the road, you remember to stop to avoid getting hit by it, then it passes and you continue on oblivious to the fact that the train hitting your car may have had significance to somebody else’s. I await my train, if I let it pass; we'll ask another "why" when it gets its ugly metal butt here.

Breaking My Head and Sucking on Fate

2004-06-21T12:00:00.000-04:00

When a being like Puck toys with fate there's only two things you can do, face the rap or run like a baby.

And so I did, run like a baby I mean. That’s what I do when life throws something uncomfortable my way. I'm not proud of it...

After an afternoon with my sister, her husband and their baby boy, we headed for a chapel for the evening mass. By what comedy of life, I hear a voice calling to me. To my surprise a group of people, some of whom are past high school friends and acquaintances, were right there standing on the same path I was taking towards the church. At first I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, and then a deep sense of shyness came over me. I was not that ready for an actual confrontation of this magnitude, plus I was looking haggard. it was the day before I got a haircut and I was applying medicine to my face for my recent attack of acne and I was wearing stuff that I just pulled out of the closet coz I was in one heck of a hurry getting dressed, so you could just imagine how I looked.

At this point, I was opted a tactical retreat; I had to get out of there. They kept talking to me though, kept asking questions that, out of ethics, I felt obliged to answer. They were simple questions enough but it was cutting into time I had before they had an actual good look at me.

By now a few comments were thrown at me, none of them made me feel more comfortable. I finally got out a question in the midst of all the yapping and laughing, “So, where are you guys off to?”
"Dinner."
"Oh, I have to go to mass."
"Yeah you’re already late by the looks of it."

Could they sense my want to make a quick getaway? I didn’t waste time trying to find out. I quickly walk to my sister and sat down while they passed behind me headed in the direction of the nearest mall.

I realized that that was stupid, plain and utterly. There it was a chance at renewing things with my friends, the ones I left there cold on the streets and all. There were a lot of things I could have said, asked for their telephone and cell phone number, or maybe e-mail addresses, came with them and took mass later. God will wait for me and I didn’t have plans on ditching Him.

I just hope I didn’t give them an impression that I didn’t want them as friends.

Stupid, stupid, stupid…