Losing My Religion... Again.

If you can’t run and you can’t hide and you've got nothing to fight it with, just sit there and stare at it.

I was born a Catholic. Yes a righteous, shut-your-mouth, Catholic. The whole family is. You don’t expect my parents to reject the tradition do you?

Growing up I was thought it was for the best, there was nothing more. How long do you suppose that would last? Adventure and excitement was in my blood. Not to mention the mass of reading material we have in our house.

Most Catholics know, and less of them would affirm the truth... were boring. Most religions, especially the new age ones, are far more interesting. Take paganism for example, it's exotic; it has the words blood and sacrifice chiseled into its very existences. Wildness infused to its soul. Now how could you just beat that?

A friend said it would be better if we just didn’t have religion. I told him it's like not having laws or government. Everyone would be raving lunatics eating their own young.

Religion is just one of those factors in life that serves to complicate matters instead of simplifying them. It’s just a confusing slur, one great big slushie of thoughts and old philosophies that make you want to hurl, one that you can’t live without unfortunately. Everyone got to believe in something, even if that something walks on two legs or floats around.

It’s all confusing really. I don’t do well when I’m confused. I usually go around drinking till my liver bursts or some blinding light shines on my face bringing messages from God... or maybe it's just a truck hurtling towards me.

I would much rather be agnostic really. Unfortunately I can’t do that while my parents are around. I'd never hear the end of it, or it'll probably be the end of me. Events may happen, possibly in that order. I’ll just probably wait this battle out plus my brain is starting to hurt. Jenny, walk me to the medicine cabinet, quickly.

Avoiding Inevitability

Be as a steamroller to reach your goals but never forget that you have brakes attached.

I try avoiding it, I really do. I never liked stepping in other people’s toes. If someone did that to me they'd never hear the end of it. I guess I’d just like to avoid meeting my match.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no doormat. I dare you to even try to make me one. One of my friends told me that I either end up very successful or out in the streets because of it.

There are things that I’m so afraid to say (or write) just because they might squish someone to non-existence or that they might do the same to me. God knows, I want to die young but not that young.

Chinks in your armor happens and you can’t help ACCIDENTALY stepping into where your not suppose to tread. When it happens your just caught red handed on the green. Personally I take the tactical retreat approach whenever it's my fault, when it's something you just can’t get out of using conventional techniques. It suits my needs really.

But I can’t help feel that "steamrolling" someone would be quite fun especially those your sure you can get away with. Let me explain before you bite my head off, dear reader.

I know it's justification of the lesser evil versus the greater but isn’t everything? Think about it, if they deserve a right good bottom slapping, shouldn’t they get it? I mean the deserving should get their dues. But then everyone would get a butt slap wouldn’t they...

Making Sense of My Family

If you walk into a room filled with family members and there is complete silence, you know something’s wrong.

I just know it. Something’s up. I don’t know what but something’s up.

It's everything that’s happening here. People are acting weird, out of context. Mom's all kind and mushy, dad's... well I guess my dad's always weird. My siblings have been... trying to spend quality time with me. Apart from that, they seem to shut themselves up whenever I happen to walk into the room. Its times like these that I wish I was a telepath or something.

Maybe I’m just being paranoid; people know it won’t be the first time. Maybe it's just tortillios I've been having too much off. They say MSG can make you crazy.

I've been observing myself too. I’ve been wondering how my brothers been doing too much lately. Before, I would have been surprised to even think about him and it's usually out of need and desperation. If you had the kind of relationship that I have with my brother you'd be surprised yourself. But all of this could be that my brothers staying at his dormitory far too often... me, miss him... eywww.

There was also this morning, I had my eyes shut, and I hear voices in the background. Your groggy, you still don’t think strait, you think it's a dream, then it bites your butt, your not. I woke up with 3 people in my room. They were dumping an old cabinet in my room. Having company without your knowledge is tolerable, having people watch you while you sleep is creepy, but dumping old furniture in my already cramped up bedroom? I felt the need to scream. Unfortunately the first actual word to come out of my mouth was the word 'huh'. It prompted laughs. By the time I want to react to what they were doing, it wouldn’t have the impact it should. Plus I needed more sleep.

More on that, my parental units put bags that I would be using a month from now for our trip. They were bulky, extremely, they were on my bed, occupying more than half it's size, I asked my self, "Where am I going to sleep?”

After the usual Sunday mass, I went to my mom’s room to fix my pants after I had eaten dinner. She’s the only person in this house who has a sewing kit. I love those pair that I was repairing, I deconstructed them myself. Unfortunately, deconstruction usually makes it very sensitive to accident. I repaired them as much as I can. I only know a few stitches and techniques, hopefully they were enough though.

I finished up, trimmed excess threads, admiring my work, although I admit, imperfect, but the fact remains, I made that ugly thing. I made my way downstairs to change my clothes. I had to pass the dinning table to get upstairs to my room. My siblings were there together with their husbands eating dinner. As soon as I enter I noticed at a glance, they were looking down, silent. Like they were hiding something. I immediately proceeded to my room to avoid the discomfort of the situation.

In my room I felt confused, really, what could trigger that kind of action? I didn’t do anything, or at least that’s what I thought...

I changed clothes than lay down for a while. What could they be possibly thinking at that instant? I closed my eyes and fell asleep surrounded by a bag, a box and an old closet.

There's Life Down that Road

Poke your head out of the barrel once in a while, it’s healthy.

I've been recently wondering what people are up to. With all of my friends at college and family out on business and no contact with people outside your door does that to a guy.

My college friends are probably in the class room, slowly ripping apart teacher's in their mind (with their minds if they could). Probably out during breaks, playing billiards or maybe darts, in the mall maybe watching a movie, eating somewhere or maybe just chilling out. Of course I wouldn’t know. I'm not psychic.

Looking out my mother’s bedroom window, a lot of people were walking by, some of them were... well... fighting actually, but that's normal in my neighborhood, they looked so busy. They don’t even notice someone watching them. I guess life does that and "no life" does this to me.

Some of them were actually pretty interesting, apart from the fighting that’s been going on for like forever, there were certain people I noticed. Like the man selling "binatog". Do you remember that? I didn’t even know they were still making "binatog". He was riding a bike and ringing his bell shouting "Binatog!", I sort of miss that from our street. We use too eat that lots of times before. I guess they just rarely pass our house these days. I wanted to go and buy some, but all my money was in my room and I had to run and I would have probably missed him anyway so I just let him pass. Maybe next time.

There was also this guy next door. I don’t know if he noticed but his ugly butt is showing. And it was not a pretty sight I’m telling you. If you were a woman you would have probably fainted. He was a really old fart; he was slouched and wrinkly. He had his shirt off showing his now-unrecognizable-tattoo. Talk about indecency on our streets. How do you expect kids to respect you if you’re not aesthetically pleasing?

And this old lady across the street in her store. You can’t help notice her since she is across the street from where I live. She just sits there for hours sitting watching TV and waiting for a customer that might never come. There was quite a number of stores and it wasn’t a good investment because where I live completion is tough. Her shop was one of the most run down.

I got up from my loft and stretched. I felt kind of sleepy and went to my room. When I got there, I saw my fat (:P) wallet sitting on my desk. I felt hungry. I took out a twenty and bought something from the lady across the street.

Calling Upon Whatever

Anyone who says it's a sure thing deserves a right good gun shot between the eyes.

I recently tried to contact several people from my high school batch. I made about fifteen calls altogether today. Most of them were old telephone numbers listed on our year book so most of them didn’t really work. Hearing, 'The telephone you dialed is not yet in service.’ being repeated by that voice recording can get on your nerves after a few numbers.

I did make contact with one friend though, yes only one. The other thirteen numbers were no longer in use and one was busy so I decided to call later but when I did no one was answering. They must have slept early or something, I imagined that from my friend’s family, they seem so uptight, really.

The one friend I made contact with was, at least at my point of view, surprised to hear from me. Seemed so surprise that I think she thought I was dead. I guess cutting yourself of from them does that.

We talked about old school stuff, she also wanted to contact other people from high school, her past crushes, and for some reason some of her recent emotional attachments that had the same name as my brothers. I have that seemingly supernatural skill of drawing people out info from people. I really didn’t mean to anyhow. Maybe people are just comfortable with me because I'm almost next to a non-person, they could make sure nothing about them they tell me would get out. Kind of like your mum... or a priest.

She still had ties with several people from the past thought. They still found the time to hang out in the midst of mind wrenching college stresses. I raise a finger to salute them, and I normally wouldn’t care, hey, it's a start.

I told her to call me if they ever had plans for something. I don’t really expect her to do so but you can’t blame me for trying. I mean, I have to make the first step, some effort to be exerted. I just hope she does call.

Who Died and Made Me Human

Given a choice would you choose differently? That is if you ever had a choice...

Why??? It’s a never failing question to everything that makes your world stop spinning, for maybe a second. I always wondered why I had to be human. I would have liked to be something else, but being something else seems still as insignificant as this shell, this given form.

Why even ask why??? According to Spinoza, we are but appendages to nature, to God, that everything moves according to what rules govern our nature, that we were free, but had no free will. then why do I, he, us, have to figure out what we are, our purpose, our very existence in this polluted, forsaken rock we call Earth, If that's what it's even suppose to be called. Figuring out this form shouldn’t even matter in the whole larger scale of things. We can’t even solve lives simplest questions.

Why do I even exist and in that case do I even??? At times this all seems like some grand dream, some written fantasy drawn from some sick notion of the brain. How I wish it could be. Would certainly make things easier, at least for me, that is. To be, well, such that one was only made of ideas, thought, that would probably the ideal form to take but would that be a form at all?

Why now??? Does this mean that it's time to face it or just some random act of forces beyond ones control? Do I even have to face it? Time, what is it? This continuity? All lives existing at once and all that theoretical fuzziness? Temporal mechanics and paradoxes, they don’t make much sense. But if this form must ever pass, will I be taking another or did I never really die? Do millions of me, branching out in every universe that comes sticking itself to my existence continue on?

Why, oh, why??? A train passes on the rails at the intersection of the road, you remember to stop to avoid getting hit by it, then it passes and you continue on oblivious to the fact that the train hitting your car may have had significance to somebody else’s. I await my train, if I let it pass; we'll ask another "why" when it gets its ugly metal butt here.

Breaking My Head and Sucking on Fate

When a being like Puck toys with fate there's only two things you can do, face the rap or run like a baby.

And so I did, run like a baby I mean. That’s what I do when life throws something uncomfortable my way. I'm not proud of it...

After an afternoon with my sister, her husband and their baby boy, we headed for a chapel for the evening mass. By what comedy of life, I hear a voice calling to me. To my surprise a group of people, some of whom are past high school friends and acquaintances, were right there standing on the same path I was taking towards the church. At first I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, and then a deep sense of shyness came over me. I was not that ready for an actual confrontation of this magnitude, plus I was looking haggard. it was the day before I got a haircut and I was applying medicine to my face for my recent attack of acne and I was wearing stuff that I just pulled out of the closet coz I was in one heck of a hurry getting dressed, so you could just imagine how I looked.

At this point, I was opted a tactical retreat; I had to get out of there. They kept talking to me though, kept asking questions that, out of ethics, I felt obliged to answer. They were simple questions enough but it was cutting into time I had before they had an actual good look at me.

By now a few comments were thrown at me, none of them made me feel more comfortable. I finally got out a question in the midst of all the yapping and laughing, “So, where are you guys off to?”
"Dinner."
"Oh, I have to go to mass."
"Yeah you’re already late by the looks of it."

Could they sense my want to make a quick getaway? I didn’t waste time trying to find out. I quickly walk to my sister and sat down while they passed behind me headed in the direction of the nearest mall.

I realized that that was stupid, plain and utterly. There it was a chance at renewing things with my friends, the ones I left there cold on the streets and all. There were a lot of things I could have said, asked for their telephone and cell phone number, or maybe e-mail addresses, came with them and took mass later. God will wait for me and I didn’t have plans on ditching Him.

I just hope I didn’t give them an impression that I didn’t want them as friends.

Stupid, stupid, stupid…